Teaser

As published in The Pickens County Progress

“Strangers are attacking me; ruthless men seek my life – men without regard for God.”

–        Psalm 54:3

            I have a fella. He has broad shoulders, and a nice smile. I slip out to see him once or twice a week. He has what I need and knows what I want. But he’s not my beau! Oh, no. He works at Mountain Video.

             My rental history tells all. He knows I spent Midnight in Paris with Owen Wilson. Nicolas Cage and Bruce Willis come home with me often. And Sylvester Stallone makes educational films. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.

            My favorite action-romance is The Last of the Mohicans.  Madeleine Stowe plays a British Colonel’s lovely daughter, in harm’s way during the French and Indian War. Daniel Day-Lewis is a rough cob hired to get Miss Stowe safely to Daddy. But how safe is she with him? Trust me on this, girls. There’s nothing better than seeing Daniel Day-Lewis sprint through the woods in a loincloth, and not much else.

            And you get intellectual points as well, because it’s an American literary classic. (God bless James Fenimore Cooper). When the weather gets nicer, I plan to check Mohicans out of the library. Maybe I’ll read it outdoors, in the woods. I’ll be the damsel in distress, on the run from my Huron kidnappers, ruthless men who seek my life, men without regard for God.

             My long dark hair has fallen from its clasp and dances wildly over my soft shoulders. I feel faint, and can’t breathe. My chest heaves.

             I lean against a big tree. Green and yellow sun drops dance before my eyes. With trembling fingers, I struggle to loosen the ties on my tightly-laced bodice.

            Just as my lungs begin to fill with cold fresh air, I see Daniel Day-Lewis sprint toward me wearing a loincloth, and not much else. He clasps his strong arms around my waist, and lowers me gently onto the

bed of moss-green moss. He covers my body with dried-up tree branches. “Stay here, and don't move. I will come back for you. I will find you."
      Before I can get a hello-kiss, or a good-bye kiss, or so much as a brotherly peck on the forehead, he sprints off into the cool green mist to go fight the bad guys.
      I know he will be back. I just know it, without a doubt. I know he will come back for me, because his loincloth got caught on a tree branch. I have it folded neatly and tucked inside my loosened bodice, right next to my heart.

THE END

Madeleline Stowe and Daniel Day-Lewis
in "Last of the Mohicans"

MY TEN FAVORITE ROMANCE MOVIES

The Last of the Mohicans 1992

Loosely based on the French and Indian War. Madeleine Stowe wears the bodice, and Daniel Day-Lewis rips it off. You may want leave during the battle scenes, to dab your forehead with a cool rag.

The Cowboy Way 1994
Rodeo stars Woody Harrelson and Kiefer Sutherland hit New York City to rescue a kidnapped girl. Hunky mounted policeman Ernie Hudson assists.

Pride & Prejudice 2006

An eighteenth century romance, but not a bit stuffy. This version with Kiera Knightley flows quite naturally. Love blooms amid dogs, hogs, and chickens who wander in and out during visits from two rich suitors.

Sixteen Candles 1984

It’s a pubescent Pride & Prejudice, at pimple-popping perfection. The sound effects are brilliant, so use headphones. Famous quote: “Make someone a bridesmaid, and they ----all over you!”

Your Highness 2011

Two princes rescue a princess in a raunchy tale of courtly love (not to be confused with even raunchier Courtney Love). Don’t let the chilluns watch it, especially the gag reel.

Shanghai Noon 2000

East and West meet for another princess rescue. Gorgeous cinematography; wide shots were spoofed from famous westerns. Who is sexier, Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson, or the hundreds of extras sprinting around in loincloths? You don’t have to decide right now.

Casanova 2005

A girly party movie. Invite your best friends, burn candles, and serve tea sandwiches. Learn why “Casanova” is synonymous with the art of seduction. RIP Heath Ledger

Superman 1978

American royalty. Christopher Reeve saves Margot Kidder by flying around the world backwards. Makes other men seem inadequate. Features one of the nicest love songs ever composed:  “Give a Little Bit” by Supertramp

Die Hard 1988

Bruce Willis and his wife aren’t getting along. When terrorists take hostages at her office Christmas party, he takes off his shoes and kicks some bad-guy ass. Then the couple kisses and makes up. Yippee-ki-ay!

Titanic 1997

On a luxurious sinking ship, Kate Blanchet and Leonardo Di Caprio rearrange the deck chairs.

_______

All titles (but Superman with Christopher Reeve) are available
for $1.25 a night rental, or $5. for 5 nights:

Mountain Video
295 N. Main Street, Suite G ~ Jasper, GA 30143
706-253-8266

"Musings on the upcoming year of the Water Dragon" as published in the Pickens County Progress on Thursday, December 29, 2011

      This is the year of the Water Dragon, but there isn’t one nesting in Grand View Lake. Dragons are hard to find, even around these parts. Why, the big lugs are woefully under-employed. Let’s boost school spirit, y’all, and plaster Jasper with dragons! Tag a beautiful dragon on some big wall that’s peeling blue and white paint, if you know where a big wall that’s peeling blue and white paint is located. Or, stay out of jail and help me think of what cute stuff we can make with dragons and then market the fire out of ‘em. 

            This year, I plan to stop trying to be so pretty. It’s time to liberate my stomach from being sucked in for photos. My inspiration comes from Spencer, my daughter’s boyfriend. Since birth, he has ruined every family picture ever made, by making a face at the camera. He has my daughter doing it too, so we have no nice pictures of either of them. The ugly ones are proudly displayed on their Facebook pages under “Awesome Faces.” Try making faces yourself, and see how liberating it can be.

            Do you get cabin fever after Christmas? I sure do. What you need is reflective light. Try hanging a big mirror in the living room or bedroom, so it reflects a window. Don’t have a big mirror? Family Dollar has big, lightweight mirrors for under $25. If the frame is dark and ugly and cheap looking (and you know it will be) Home Depot sells OOPS paint for $1.00. One or two colors are more than enough to sponge the frame of your new mirror. Then you can amuse yourself staring into it, making Awesome Faces.

            This is the year I wish we’d get a municipal facelift. Pickens County is gorgeous in places. Being neat and clean all over would help a common aesthetic emerge. If your neighbors have had a rusted eyesore out front for a decade or so, why not choose your moment and just haul it off yourself? What’s the worst they’ll do - run a “missing sofa” ad in the paper? It’ll be worth every pound you pay at the dump, conveniently located at 1350 Jones Mountain Road, Talking Rock. (706) 253-8860.‎

            Last of all, this year I vow not to sit at home. I can afford eating out, Chinese. It’s cheap, and two can share a meal at lunchtime for almost nothing. The waiter will still bring two fortune cookies. Try my fun trick: add the words “in bed” to the end of your fortune to make it smutty. If you have young children along, distract them as you do this. Tell them to look at the dragons. And be sure to tip your waiter on the way out. That is how he feeds his family, so be generous. You know that tipping is not a city in China.

Merry Christmas Eve!

And above all things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness, and let the peace of God rule in your heart ... and be ye thankful.   - COLOSSIANS 3: 14, 15

"Getting a Leg up on Thanksgiving", as published in the Pickens County Progress on Nov. 24, 2011

            What are you doing for Thanksgiving? I’m trying to choose between haunting the movies in Canton and hiding with the cat, between the mattress and box spring. Too many empty chairs surround the table these days. That mattress sandwich is sounding pretty good right now.

            My friend’s three-year-old heard her talking about Thanksgiving. He asked, “Momma. What are we going to thank about?” (In the hilly regions of North Georgia, “think” is pronounced “thank”) Leave it to a wise young fellow to use “think” and “thank” interchangeably.

            Last century, I was a three-year-old myself. It was a long wait for that Thanksgiving meal. My Aunts were desperate to keep me occupied, so they started the Leg Crossing Game. One Aunt would randomly and violently switch her hefty legs to cross the other way. Her sisters had to do it too, or be “out.” I couldn’t believe my little eyes, or wait until it happened again.

            If this sounds like nothing much to you, it was certainly something in 1966. Ladies simply did not show their slips. To my horror, I saw a flash of “snow down south” with each tectonic shift of thighs and taffeta.  And not one drop of sherry was ever spilled.

            My friend Cathy has a similar story. She’s from Alabama, where the tide rolls red, and they call their parents’ sisters “Aint”. So the anticipation of Thanksgiving dinner was almost too much for big-boned Aint Rita. At first, she tolerated with a light foot-tapping. Then she went faster until her leg bounced up and down hard enough to make the floor shake. When the houseplants jiggled, Cathy’s Daddy would announce, “Aint Rita’s leg is really going now! It must be close to dinnertime.” And guess who was locked and loaded to be first in line?

            Sometimes we need to be reminded where we came from, in order to act like we know. Empty chairs can be filled. I’m thankful for all of my new friends, especially that wise young fellow. To quote David Cassidy, “I THANK I love you,” Owen.

Unforgettable Irene

As published in the Pickens County Progress

Natural disasters aren’t funny, but I had to smile just a little at hurricane Irene. As newlyweds, we lived next door to an Irene. She was the type of older lady who wore a bathrobe as a dress. Well, Irene had a thing for my husband. When I was at school, she’d knock on our door, wearing her bathrobe, to borrow a cup of sugar. (I’m proud to report he never gave her any).

One day, Irene and her husband, Mr. Irene, got into a brawl. She left him, but didn’t go far. The condo above theirs had long been empty so she went there without asking anyone’s permission. Mr. Irene wasn’t happy. Every week he bought a googly-eyed fish from Harry’s. He fired up the grill and smoked the fish Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then he chopped it up to mulch the bushes. The smoke wafted up into Irene’s place, compelling her to lean out of her window and scream down at him.

This went on for about a year, until the bank who owned the condo succeeded in getting her out. Actually, it was the Sheriff Department who knocked on her door with a battering ram. It took six of them to hog tie and carry her to jail, and guess what she was wearing?

Ah, memories. But that season of my life is long past. It recently became necessary for me to move from the “rich side” of Jasper to the “poor side.”  It was a healthy decision, though. The house I left was too empty and creepy. The new apartment is cute and easy to clean. Almost everyone in my building is young.

 The other day I was headed out to buy groceries. Out front, there was a car covered in toilet paper and shaving cream. The windshield said, “Git her done.” So somewhere in the building, we must have a pair of newlyweds. Folks think I’m embarrassed to use food stamps at the grocery store. I tell them, it’s not embarrassing when you’re hungry.

Think of those widows of Afghani soldiers on TV, be-shawled and begging for food. Their government is too young to have anything in place to help them. We may not be perfect, but God bless America! On my first grocery trip, I worried that Uncle Sam wouldn’t let me buy Kool-Aid with food stamps. It’s not really food, is it? If you sprinkled unsweetened Kool-Aid on the sidewalk, would it even draw ants? But the electronic EBT card (which is really what “food stamps” is nowadays) approved it.

I’m glad I remembered to buy sugar. The world doesn’t need any more Irene’s.

Be kind to your fair-weathered friends

When my stories are printed in the Pickens County Progress, my suspicious friend Donna asks, “Did that really happen?” Yes, ma’am. True life is much stranger than fiction and needs no embellishment from me. The job market is so competitive right now, that getting a job, and keeping it, is a whole other job in itself.

Yesterday, I was down to my last $30.00 and decided to finally apply for food stamps. At the DFACS office in Jasper, the doors were locked. The sign said they were “closed for furlough.”  Another sign said to apply for food stamps online, at the local library. But before I could use their computers, the library lady said I must pay a year-old fine. (My daughter’s kitten had delicately nibbled around the edges of her library book on Aviation, more specifically “U.S. Fighters.”) It cost me $30.20, with fees.

Libraries are supposed to be quiet, but I kept on hearing a loud tapping sound. The culprit was a red bird. Outside the big picture window, from a high perch in the crepe myrtle tree, he kept flying straight into the clear glass. I walked over to get a closer look. Someone had hung a big fake owl in the tree branches. Worried, I alerted the library lady. She smiled a tired little smile, as if this was the ten-thousandth time someone had mentioned it. “We hung the big fake owl there to make the red bird go away. It worked for about five days, but he came back. ” She explained, “He sees his reflection in the window and thinks it’s another male bird in his territory. Then he lunges at it.” She leaned in and whispered, “You know how men are.”
Then last night, a bird-brained solution came to me: The library lady could open some smelly cans of tuna and set them around the base of the crepe myrtle. After all, if a tiny kitten could keep me away from the library for a solid year, think what a contingent of starving cats could do to clear the airspace of one red bird. I’ll suggest it to her today when she lends me a glorious, towering stack of books. God bless the public library! In good times and bad, it’s free …if you borrow responsibly. Now, that’s food for thought.

Thank you

Mah "little" girl

Sheriff Explorer at 17 years old

photo taken last Friday

I was proud of her for participating in the memorial flag raising at the Sheriff's Office last week. It's hard to believe she's the little seven year old I checked out of school the morning of September 11th, ten years ago.

They raised the old flag from ten years ago, the one that flew 365 consecutive days after the attack. It made us think, for the first time in awhile, about exactly what happened that day. Then they lowered it and raised a new one. It made us think about the future.