Tuesday, January 10, 2012


As published in The Pickens County Progress

“Strangers are attacking me; ruthless men seek my life – men without regard for God.”
        Psalm 54:3

            I have a fella. He has broad shoulders, and a nice smile. I slip out to see him once or twice a week. He has what I need and knows what I want. But he’s not my beau! Oh, no. He works at Mountain Video.
             My rental history tells all. He knows I spent Midnight in Paris with Owen Wilson. Nicolas Cage and Bruce Willis come home with me often. And Sylvester Stallone makes educational films. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.
            My favorite action-romance is The Last of the Mohicans.  Madeleine Stowe plays a British Colonel’s lovely daughter, in harm’s way during the French and Indian War. Daniel Day-Lewis is a rough cob hired to get Miss Stowe safely to Daddy. But how safe is she with him? Trust me on this, girls. There’s nothing better than seeing Daniel Day-Lewis sprint through the woods in a loincloth, and not much else.
            And you get intellectual points as well, because it’s an American literary classic. (God bless James Fenimore Cooper). When the weather gets nicer, I plan to check Mohicans out of the library. Maybe I’ll read it outdoors, in the woods. I’ll be the damsel in distress, on the run from my Huron kidnappers, ruthless men who seek my life, men without regard for God.
             My long dark hair has fallen from its clasp and dances wildly over my soft shoulders. I feel faint, and can’t breathe. My chest heaves.
             I lean against a big tree. Green and yellow sun drops dance before my eyes. With trembling fingers, I struggle to loosen the ties on my tightly-laced bodice.
            Just as my lungs begin to fill with cold fresh air, I see Daniel Day-Lewis sprint toward me wearing a loincloth, and not much else. He clasps his strong arms around my waist, and lowers me gently onto the

bed of moss-green moss. He covers my body with dried-up tree branches. “Stay here, and don't move. I will come back for you. I will find you."
      Before I can get a hello-kiss, or a good-bye kiss, or so much as a brotherly peck on the forehead, he sprints off into the cool green mist to go fight the bad guys.
      I know he will be back. I just know it, without a doubt. I know he will come back for me, because his loincloth got caught on a tree branch. I have it folded neatly and tucked inside my loosened bodice, right next to my heart.

Madeleline Stowe and Daniel Day-Lewis
in "Last of the Mohicans"


The Last of the Mohicans 1992
Loosely based on the French and Indian War. Madeleine Stowe wears the bodice, and Daniel Day-Lewis rips it off. You may want leave during the battle scenes, to dab your forehead with a cool rag.

The Cowboy Way 1994
Rodeo stars Woody Harrelson and Kiefer Sutherland hit New York City to rescue a kidnapped girl. Hunky mounted policeman Ernie Hudson assists.

Pride & Prejudice 2006
An eighteenth century romance, but not a bit stuffy. This version with Kiera Knightley flows quite naturally. Love blooms amid dogs, hogs, and chickens who wander in and out during visits from two rich suitors.

Sixteen Candles 1984
It’s a pubescent Pride & Prejudice, at pimple-popping perfection. The sound effects are brilliant, so use headphones. Famous quote: “Make someone a bridesmaid, and they ----all over you!”

Your Highness 2011
Two princes rescue a princess in a raunchy tale of courtly love (not to be confused with even raunchier Courtney Love). Don’t let the chilluns watch it, especially the gag reel.

Shanghai Noon 2000
East and West meet for another princess rescue. Gorgeous cinematography; wide shots were spoofed from famous westerns. Who is sexier, Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson, or the hundreds of extras sprinting around in loincloths? You don’t have to decide right now.

Casanova 2005
A girly party movie. Invite your best friends, burn candles, and serve tea sandwiches. Learn why “Casanova” is synonymous with the art of seduction. RIP Heath Ledger

Superman 1978
American royalty. Christopher Reeve saves Margot Kidder by flying around the world backwards. Makes other men seem inadequate. Features one of the nicest love songs ever composed:  “Give a Little Bit” by Supertramp

Die Hard 1988
Bruce Willis and his wife aren’t getting along. When terrorists take hostages at her office Christmas party, he takes off his shoes and kicks some bad-guy ass. Then the couple kisses and makes up. Yippee-ki-ay!
Titanic 1997
On a luxurious sinking ship, Kate Blanchet and Leonardo Di Caprio rearrange the deck chairs.

All titles (but Superman with Christopher Reeve) are available
for $1.25 a night rental, or $5. for 5 nights:

Mountain Video
295 N. Main Street, Suite G ~ Jasper, GA 30143